What kinds of conversations are you having with your
children about the recent violence this past year? Whether it’s a drive-by shooting, a natural
disaster, or a mass shooting, it’s hard for people to make sense of events that
end in violence. In the media, at school
and at home, children are encouraged to “talk it out,” to resolve their
differences and work through a solution.
Kindergarteners in particular are encouraged to be kind to their
“friends,” and that all in the class are worthy of this special
relationship. How do we speak to
children, young children in particular, about when problems end in ways that
are unspeakable, yet seem to be happening more often than we would like?
One of the first things to keep in mind is to remember that
when bad things happen and kids don’t get any
explanation, they “fill in the blanks” with answers of their own. Young children engage in magical thinking,
may engage their curious imagination, and often look at things from an
ego-centric point of view. All of which
are developmentally appropriate. Therefore,
one recommendation from experts is to give an
explanation, albeit, a brief, but developmentally
appropriate explanation. Here
are some things to keep in mind:
1.
If you live in a two parent household, or have a
great support system, please identify who
the key person will be to have this discussion with your child. Of course,
it’s important that the family be a team together, having one person take the
lead may be a good idea, especially if you are negatively affected in one way
or another (victim, conflicted about the issue, emotionally compromised,
etc).
2.
If this isn’t possible, that’s ok, but please
take a moment and ground yourself. I
hear so much in my practice, how parents wish their children found out difficult
news in a better way. So, take a minute, breathe, and get to a place where you
feel you can deliver the news that will minimize undue stress on your children;
even if you only have a few minutes to do so.
3.
Give a simple response and don’t feel you need
to respond to all questions. There is so
much uncertainty, a simple “I know it’s scary, but please know I will do my
best to keep you safe,” will suffice.
4.
Connect with your child’s emotion- sometimes kids can only connect through fear
or anger, so one way to help is to hear him/her out, and later, direct them to
a positive outcome. This is not a simple look at the silver lining, it is connecting
with your child and helping them to realize that uniting as a community to
support one another is something that holds value, no matter if it doesn’t
bring back loved ones lost in a tragedy.
5.
Get motivated!
How many stories out there focus on mobilization to make change? Think
of Malala Yousafzai, Rosa Parks, or the brave officers in the recent San
Bernardino shootings. Relay the message
that there are people out there that will help, and that children no matter how
small can also help. How about making
blankets for victims? A lemonade stand for those in need, donations for
families after a tornado? Nothing
promotes hope more than knowing that children can also be empowered to promote
change in a positive way.
6.
Lastly, hug your child. Life is uncertain at every turn, but the more
we as parents focus on what is positive now, the better our children can learn
to keep moving forward and that regardless of what’s happening outside their
environment, they have a safe place at home, with you.
Have any questions or comments? Please feel free to share below! Happy parenting!
-
Dr. Lucia
