A Note to Parents Caring for Their Ill Child

I’ve been having conversations with many different parents about caring for their very sick child (you parents out there are amazing). 

I’ve heard countless stories of adventures with hospital stays to painstaking attention to detail about the medication that needs to be doled out.  The meticulous care you provide to children is, well, amazing isn’t quite the word to describe you.  You all do this in order to guarantee that your kids’ well-being is ensured. 

In listening to these skilled, knowledgeable, and informed parents, I hear the details of their children’s procedures, the blood draws, the painstaking steps they take in preparing their children for the little traumas that they have to face daily because of their illnesses.  These aren’t things my parents had to worry about when I was growing up.  You do your research and can probably recite the newest treatments that may, in some small yet beneficial way, help your child.  In this way, you become a partner in the care of your ill child.  Which is great! High-five!

What I see, are loving, but weary parents.  In some cases, very, very, anxious and stressed parents.  Some of the parents I interact with are dealing with an illness that threatens their child’s life.  From cancer, to severe allergies, or Type I diabetes.  The daily feats their children face impact them, but parents suppress their feelings to stay strong for their children. Also, they do so mostly to be able to function throughout the day.  How can you push down these feelings without allowing them to have some effect on you?  I say it comes leaking out.  In an effort to ensure wellness, the ultimate sacrifice is the parents’ emotional wellbeing. 

What nuggets of insight do I have for you?,

1.       Be kind to yourself-  Only you know your experience; I know the pressure is strong from the outside world about what is deemed “correct” in terms of parenting standards.  There is a strong message regarding how parents should and should not teach their children and for me, it’s always important to know that each parent does things differently.  Be kind to yourself.  If your child isn’t sleeping by themselves at age 4, there is always time to retrain, especially if your child needs extra soothing right now.   Maybe this different perspective needs to apply to you and your standards.  Maybe you think you’re the only one dealing with issue A, B, or C.  In my experience, there are challenges in every family and there is always a time to focus on helping your child mature.  

2.       Be kind to yourself #2- Can you spare 15 minutes?  I always say that a 15 minute nap does wonders to a tired soul.  It may be hard waking up, but the energy you gain from a short nap can help you through a trying day.  Can’t sleep?  What about exercise, making yourself a healthy snack, or taking the time to jot down your feelings to be able to let them go?  You’d be amazed how making an honest intention can lift your spirit.     

3.       Please allow us to help you.-There are so many people, teachers, therapist’s, advocates, nurses, and even your good old doctor who want to provide you with help.  Are there others out there that might also want to help, but maybe not know how?  There is nothing wrong with you reaching out and letting them know. 

4.         There is always tomorrow: Did you have a bad day?  Did you react in a way that you may not have wanted?  That’s ok.  Make an honest intention and plea to do better tomorrow.  And then do it.  Because I firmly believe that everyone is trying to do their best, and if you didn’t get to, try again tomorrow.  J

School Struggles

People often ask me how to help their children finish their homework with minimal struggle.  For example, a mom acquaintance I know looked frustrated as she described her daughter as being “smart”, but explained that she often complained of doing homework.  She described the daily arguing, the complaining, the bargaining, and the outright refusals.  At times, she didn’t even turn her homework in even though she had completed it.  Mom reported, “I worry she is lazy.”

When I work with a parent clinically, and they describe their child as “lazy,” I carefully explain that children often like to succeed and that it’s normal for children to postpone doing their homework from time to time.  When parents describe their child as chronically “lazy” it typically may point to an underlying stressor.  It may also be a sign of something deeper such as a form of depression, a possible learning disorder, or even past trauma.  But this wasn’t the case for her.

In the example above, I encouraged the mother to spend some quality of time with her outside of the homework environment.  Because this mom worked full time and also has a young toddler, her time was limited.  Spending time with her daughter away from homework time enabled them to experience themselves in different ways and helped to grow their relationship.  Even 15 minutes a day helps!  I also encouraged short breaks with either light stretches (wiggle it out!), a healthy snack, or deep breathing exercises.   This can help compartmentalize homework time and keep kids motivated.  What are you doing when your young child is doing homework?  Are you reading or distracted in any way? Sit with your child.  Kids like to feel their parents’ presence.  This might be tough, but when your child is struggling with something tough, simply being there is the help they need.  Need something more than these simple suggestions?  Here are some tips to help your child if they are struggling at school: 

1.       Tutors: Tutors are always blessings!  Seek out your local college.  Budding math geniuses are always looking for extra work.  Local libraries (or your child’s own school) are also fantastic resources. 

2.       Please don’t be afraid to ask: a doctor, a teacher, or someone that will not judge your child or yourself.   School struggles are common for kiddos who are stressed, this doesn’t mean that your child is not smart, he or she may just need help in coping with their challenges.  Guess what?  Teachers want your children to succeed and I often find that they are a family’s best ally. 

3.       Inform yourself:  Are you finding that your child might need professional help?  Psychological testing can be helpful to rule out a learning disorder or underlying mental health condition that may be impacting a child’s ability to focus or concentrate.  An IEP or 504 plan can be completed at a child’s public school system to determine if any services may benefit a child in school. 

4.       Validate your child: It is overwhelming to try to focus on math facts when a child’s internal motor is on overdrive.  It isn’t easy.  If you find that your child has a mental health issue not detected before, supportive services such as therapy,  or even consultation with a medical professional can greatly benefit a child’s outlook in school.   Validating your child may also help your child to know that no matter what; together you’ll find the way to help his or her school struggles out together.

How to talk to your kids about violence.

What kinds of conversations are you having with your children about the recent violence this past year?  Whether it’s a drive-by shooting, a natural disaster, or a mass shooting, it’s hard for people to make sense of events that end in violence.  In the media, at school and at home, children are encouraged to “talk it out,” to resolve their differences and work through a solution.  Kindergarteners in particular are encouraged to be kind to their “friends,” and that all in the class are worthy of this special relationship.  How do we speak to children, young children in particular, about when problems end in ways that are unspeakable, yet seem to be happening more often than we would like? 

One of the first things to keep in mind is to remember that when bad things happen and kids don’t get  any explanation, they “fill in the blanks” with answers of their own.  Young children engage in magical thinking, may engage their curious imagination, and often look at things from an ego-centric point of view.  All of which are developmentally appropriate.  Therefore, one recommendation from experts is to give an explanation, albeit, a brief, but developmentally appropriate explanation.     Here are some things to keep in mind:

1.       If you live in a two parent household, or have a great support system, please identify who the key person will be to have this discussion with your child. Of course, it’s important that the family be a team together, having one person take the lead may be a good idea, especially if you are negatively affected in one way or another (victim, conflicted about the issue, emotionally compromised, etc).  

2.       If this isn’t possible, that’s ok, but please take a moment and ground yourself.  I hear so much in my practice, how parents wish their children found out difficult news in a better way. So, take a minute, breathe, and get to a place where you feel you can deliver the news that will minimize undue stress on your children; even if you only have a few minutes to do so.  

3.       Give a simple response and don’t feel you need to respond to all questions.  There is so much uncertainty, a simple “I know it’s scary, but please know I will do my best to keep you safe,” will suffice.

4.       Connect with your child’s emotion-  sometimes kids can only connect through fear or anger, so one way to help is to hear him/her out, and later, direct them to a positive outcome. This is not a simple look at the silver lining, it is connecting with your child and helping them to realize that uniting as a community to support one another is something that holds value, no matter if it doesn’t bring back loved ones lost in a tragedy. 

5.       Get motivated!  How many stories out there focus on mobilization to make change? Think of Malala Yousafzai, Rosa Parks, or the brave officers in the recent San Bernardino shootings.  Relay the message that there are people out there that will help, and that children no matter how small can also help.  How about making blankets for victims? A lemonade stand for those in need, donations for families after a tornado?  Nothing promotes hope more than knowing that children can also be empowered to promote change in a positive way.

6.       Lastly, hug your child.  Life is uncertain at every turn, but the more we as parents focus on what is positive now, the better our children can learn to keep moving forward and that regardless of what’s happening outside their environment, they have a safe place at home, with you.    

Have any questions or comments?  Please feel free to share below! Happy parenting!

 

-          Dr. Lucia